Dear diary, I have once again returned to you.
This day has reached its end so quickly. I have managed to employ some kind of self-organization, since, at last, I cleaned up my room - and there was quite a lot to clean! However, like many times before in the past, I struggled with some kind of immobility, not necessarily the lack of motivation - but lack of energy. My energy conservation played a big role today. Honestly, sometimes things have to spice up. Since then I do actually wake up. I know it is like that. Perhaps not caffeine - but adrenaline - is the solution.
And I'm glad I came back to be more in tune with my more feminine side. Once again I want to reconcile that it is possible to combine both the kinds of femininty I present online - where I feel safe to be myself - and kinds of masculinity that are ways to maintain my position and assert it when it needs to be. I believe it is possible to reconcile the both energies since they are complementary and they make a person whole. I can't imagine associating femininity with being weak, it can't be that; nor should masculinity be entirely invulnerable. I think I would prefer to start off from the position from femininty not to say that I resign, but to say that I tune back to myself. From there I want to integrate the masculine, in the order of the feminine grounding itself in the masculine, rather than assuming - because of my sex assigned at birth - that I must "integrate my femininity". No, it was always there. And, for a lot of men, it is also. But I experience something different on an inner level. And I have to recognize it, take responsibility for it - and ride on the energy that comes with authentic being. Being closer to the feminine in essence.
It would have been so much better if I was born a woman. Much more familiar. I don't hate my body, I just feel quite alien with it, like I probably would have wanted something different. It's not something that puts me off balance, but I do wish that I had been born different.
I am many things, like I stated in my introduction on the main page. Many thoughts and feelings. And I believe I can reconcile vision, strength and deep understanding with femininity. It is not fully part of my identity, what gender I'm closer to. It's just 5%. Then there's the other 95% part of me which is the interplay between the conscious and unconscious and so many other forces that, honestly, I can't hope to list them all here - or my Neocities account would run out of storage.
And, well, it is time for July to come. It is of my intention to wake up consistently - no matter what - at 7 AM, to not waste the morning phase which seems to slower my life down in a good way. Alongside this intention I want to... expand this place. Explore my identity. Feel in tune with this novel yet familiar self-perception that has empowered me much more than when I identified as a strong man, or sensitive man - or anything else.
I must realize that I am different, and it will ruffle some feathers. It probably has quite a few times already. But I know that very well already. I was always different (from the other girls 🤪). Now I'm living that truth as is manifested by my mere activity on this webpage, and by my recent fashion choices, and by my ways of interacting with others online that is more feminine. I'm no longer suppressing this truth by embodying some right-wing coping mechanism or behaving like a cult member. By being over-the-top masculine (and driven by my sex drive to assert my masculinity). No, I realized that I wasn't ever fit to be that. Well, I do enjoy sex, but not when it is done instrumentally, without connection, without soul bonding. In actuality, all is OK with me and it will be so. I must better recognize this fact about myself as a type 4 in the Enneagram - my ego, my image are brittle, not ever the same.
With this, it is time to put an end to this diary entry. I send love to myself... and to the reader who's not me. 😘
Oh and by the way, I really need to wash my hair now. The curls are still pretty good I suppose, but the fresher my hair, the better I feel about myself. And the better I can assert my gender-nonconforming (albeit more feminine) presentation, helping me feel confident just as I am. It really is a design choice to let one's hair grow for years, to be as long as to exceed the shoulders. I can't imagine cutting it and I'll let it grow more.